Fear 13: Death by Holiday Shopping

Fear 1: A Murderous Story

What in the actual f**k is up with people dressing up as Santa and murdering a bunch of people?! How does a flammable Santa suit foil a plot to escape to Canada? Also:

What the hell is pod-coasting? What does a turkey baster and meat thermometer have to do with attempted murder and texting? (Also, can a person survive being stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer?) How did Merie almost set her mother-in-law on fire?

Fear 14: A Christmas Vanishing

Fear 2: Creepy Carols

Remember in 1640 when Christmas was literally canceled? How ‘bout those filthy Druid carols that got people arrested? Also:

Is “12 Days of Christmas” really about a human trafficking ring? Why is Merie yearning to be called Songbird again? Are all y’all irritained yet? Who will finish the limerick “There once was a girl from Nantucket” as a lovely Christmas carol? Is Becky capable of ignoring her cat long enough to record an episode? Spoiler alert: No.

Fear 15: Sappy Holiday Movies

Fear 3: “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

Just how rapey is this song?!! Is it really an S&M fantasy sung by Dean Martin in the ‘40s? Also:

Who the hell is Wolf and why is he making drinks for Mouse? Is she really scared of a date rape drug in there, also in the ‘40s?!!! Did Merie’s husband get her to marry him by using big words like Rorschach ?! Is Merie going to sing the 3 Fears of Christmas at the end of this episode?!! Also, what’s in that drink?

Fear 4: Love, Actually

Ooooohhhh...this one might hurt.

So, Becky is, shall we say, NOT exactly a fan of the alleged holiday romcom, "Love, Actually."

Tune in, if you dare, for a no-holds-barred takedown of this “beloved” “Christmas” “classic” that is so hate-filled, so profanity-laced, so viciously graphic that Merie actually finds herself inspired to watch it for the first time. And please enjoy actual footage of people watching Keira Knightly kiss her creepy stalker while her husband waits for her inside the house:

Fear 5: Xmas wants you dead

Poinsettias, brightly colored bulbs, rooftops, Tide pods…which one kills the most people during the holidays? The answer might surprise you. Also:

Should you fear your cat or 9 year-old Merie, or both? What is Merie’s sordid history with a common cooking spice? Come for the peach and cream artificial tree. Stay for the most personal question Becky has ever asked Merie. And enjoy this picture of vaguely inappropriate-looking nutmegs.

Fear 6: Santa’s criminal history

In this episode, we continue our quest to ruin all of your Christmas memories by explaining the sordid history of the big man himself. Also:

How can Becky & Merie’s new grunge band, Flemish Trunk Hos, aid in ending a celebration that includes blackface? When in history did Santa bear a resemblance to Slender Man? How is Don Draper responsible for the Santa we know (and love?) today? Stay to the end for some really bad cabaret.

Fear 7: Krampus

The incredibly creepy-looking creature known as Krampus takes center stage in this episode. Also:

What exactly IS the Panda Express version of this Krampus guy? Do Santa and Krampus run a shoe store together, or do they sell life insurance during the day? What about the lullaby of the disemboweling Christmas shapeshifter? When you're the Pope, they let you do WHAT?!! And, you had Becky at “more cowbell.”

Fear 8: Murder-based holiday traditions

In this episode, we continue our dive into interesting international holiday traditions. Why must so many of them involve the torture and murder (and eating?!!!) of children? Also:

Who wants an eternal cannibal man servant?! (We do!) Is a naked family sauna more terrifying than a serial killing cat? Is being killed for eating cookies a reasonable punishment? Stop haunting all those houses, Danny! Then there’s this:

Fear 9: Put down that nog!

This podcast episode brings all the terrifying food and drink that haunt us every holiday season. Also:

How did nutmeg almost lead to Merie not having a podcast at all?! Who wants some Polish jello fish? Did women finally become literate so they could exchange Sprite salad recipes? What is a green nightmare? Anyone want some cheese or fish nog? No? Us, either. Also, are those olives in there?

Fear 10: Office holiday parties

Need we say more? Okay!

Is Becky the only one who wasn't hooking up at office Christmas parties? Be sure you don't tell Sally from accounting that you're cheating on your husband. Also, don't cheat on your husband. If you don't normally sexually harass people, don’t do it at the office holiday party, okay? Come for advice on J-Lo inspired outfits. Stay to hear about rock star Merie getting drunk and taking a nap.

Fear 11: Can Merie diagnose Becky’s psychological condition?

The 11th of this year’s 12 tiny podcast episodes brings Becky some much-needed counseling over her “Love, Actually”-induced anger issues. Believe it or not, Merie finally has an official diagnosis for whatever the hell is going on with Becky and this movie. Is it a phobia? A mania? A delusion? The condition now actually has a name. Tune in for THAT!

Fear 12: Drink a Santa’s panties & don’t watch Rudolph

The final 12 of our first annual 12 fears of Christmas brings us to some much-needed (and feared?) Christmas movie recommendations*. Now, because we are, you know, us, we have to hate a bit on the ole Christmas movie “classic” known as Rudolph, but otherwise we spread the love around, much like the whipped cream on top of a Santa’s panties drink.

*Bad Moms Christmas, Mixed Nuts, Office Christmas Party, Trading Places, Dan in Real Life, Gremlins, the unbeatable ELF, and the Holiday make the cut this year.